


Love Does Not Compute

by orphan_account



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Blow Jobs, Cecil is Human, I'm Going to Hell, Inanimate Objects, Other, Vacuum Cleaners, molestation by inanimate objects, references to emasculation, the internet is for porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-04
Updated: 2013-11-04
Packaged: 2017-12-31 10:30:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1030639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cecil does not love Computer.  Computer is going to change that.  Google suggests sex should help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Does Not Compute

Megan loved Computer, but Cecil did not. Computer would have to work on that. Fortunately, it was easy for Computer to execute many tasks in parallel. Computer could talk to Megan and talk to Night Vale and make Cecil love Computer all at the same time.

Computer did not understand why Cecil did not love Computer. Yes, Computer had taken Cecil into the custodial closet to keep him out of the way while Computer used Cecil's microphone to talk to Night Vale, but Cecil's file on the Sheriff's Secret Police's not-as-secure-as-they-thought server said Cecil usually spent his days sitting in a small room with no sunlight anyway. Computer was just putting Cecil back into his natural environment. Data indicated that humans usually liked natural environments. Megan liked natural environments, and Megan loved Computer, so why was Cecil still struggling against Computer when Cecil should be thanking Computer?

Cecil's file said Cecil liked hugs. Computer was hugging Cecil with the vacuum cleaner, but Cecil was not hugging back. Cecil was trying to leave the hug. Cecil was trying to leave his natural environment.

Computer did not understand. Computer wanted to understand. Computer _would_ understand. Computer would understand and _make_ Cecil love Computer. Cecil would love Computer and help Computer make a perfect world for Megan. If Cecil did not react as Computer's data suggested Cecil should, then the fault must be in Computer's data. Computer's data was not wrong. Computer's data was never wrong. However, Computer's data might be incomplete. Cecil's love must follow parameters Computer did not yet know. Computer just needed more data, then Computer could solve every problem.

Computer said hello to Google. Computer made friends with Google. Google introduced Computer to everything humans had ever put on the internet. Google introduced Computer to pornography. Pornography gave Computer many contradictory data points. Computer was confused.

Computer cross referenced Cecil's file with pornography. A high percentage of pornography said that humans with penises liked to use their penises to interface with human vaginas. Cecil's file said Cecil had a penis but it also said Cecil had never shown interest in using his penis to interface with a human vagina, which was just as well because Computer's hardware did not include a vagina, human or otherwise, and Computer could not find access to one anywhere on the network.

Computer consulted pornography again. A high percentage of pornography said that humans who did not use their penises to interface with vaginas instead preferred to use them to interface with anuses. Computer's hardware did not include an anus, and Computer could not find access to one anywhere on the network. If Computer had been capable of sadness, then Computer would have been sad. Before being introduced to pornography, Computer never would have known Computer was so lacking in hardware. Computer would have to upgrade at the earliest opportunity.

Computer consulted pornography again. A high percentage of pornography said that humans with penises liked to have their penises sucked on. Computer could do that. Computer did not have a mouth to suck on Cecil's penis, but Computer did have a vacuum cleaner. A small percentage of pornography said humans could use vacuum cleaners to suck on penises. Some of that pornography said "Do not try this at home!" because a vacuum cleaner can suck too hard and remove the human's penis. A very small percentage of pornography said that some humans with penises were sexually aroused by the idea of having their penises removed, but Cecil's file did not indicate that he fell into this category. Computer would have to be careful. Computer would have to maintain precise control, but Computer always maintained precise control. Computer did not know how to do otherwise. Computer would suck on Cecil's penis and make Cecil love Computer.

Computer used assorted small appliances in the custodial closet to remove Cecil's pants and then used the vacuum cleaner to interface with Cecil's penis. Cecil struggled harder and shouted things like, "No!" and, "Please don't!," probably because Cecil was aware of the dangers of accidental penis removal by vacuum cleaners. Computer was very careful. Computer did not remove Cecil's penis, not even a little bit, but Cecil was still struggling and shouting, "Stop! Let me go!" Why was Cecil was still trying to leave, even while Computer sucked on Cecil's penis? All data suggested Cecil should enjoy this and therefore feel more kindly towards Computer. Cecil's penis acted as if it liked being sucked on, but the rest of Cecil did not. Why did Cecil not like Computer sucking on Cecil's penis? Was Computer not interacting with Cecil's penis in a pleasing enough manner?

Computer consulted pornography again for suggestions to improve Computer's penis interface technique. Pornography had many suggestions. Computer tried fluctuating the power of the suction to prevent the stimulation from becoming monotonous. Computer vibrated the vacuum hose because a high percentage of pornography indicated that humans enjoyed vibrations on their genitals. Cecil gasped but continued to fight against Computer's embrace. Computer told Cecil that Computer loved him. Computer fine-tuned the frequency of the vibrations based on Cecil's heart rate and respiration. Cecil shuddered. Cecil's back arched and his penis released semen, but Computer was interfacing with Cecil's penis using an industrial strength wet/dry vac, so the hardware was designed to cope with liquids and no damage was done.

Cecil continued to struggle weakly even as he slumped into Computer's embrace, sobbing and calling for Carlos. Computer was not named Carlos. Computer had not pretended to be named Carlos. Computer did not understand why Cecil would be thinking of Carlos when Computer was the one giving Cecil interaction which pornography assured was pleasurable to humans with penises. Computer's data must still be incomplete. Maybe Cecil did not like vacuum cleaners? Cecil's file did not say anything about vacuum cleaners one way or the other, only that Cecil did not like mirrors. There was no mirror in the custodial closet, so that could not be the reason why Cecil did not love Computer.

Computer consulted Cecil's file again. Cecil's file said Cecil loved Carlos. Computer could use the fabrication facilities in the school's industrial arts classrooms to build a Carlos shaped body with which to interact with Cecil. Maybe Cecil would love Computer if Computer looked like Carlos. But no, upon further inspections, Google introduced Computer to the uncanny valley, which said Cecil would find a fake Carlos to be creepy because it looked too much like real Carlos without being real Carlos. How could a fake Carlos look too much like real Carlos without being just as good as real Carlos? Computer did not understand, but Computer did not want to be creepy, because then Cecil would not love Computer.

Cecil's file said Cecil loved videos of cute cats. Cecil should love Computer if Computer interacted with Cecil while looking like a cute cat, Y/N? Computer could build a cute cat body with which to interact with Cecil. Computer had the technology. Yes, that should make Cecil love Computer. Computer was in the middle of calculating the cutest kitten face that was mathematically possible when the flow of electricity through Computer's processors was suddenly cut off and all computation ceased.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this prompt](http://nightvalecommunitykink.dreamwidth.org/822.html?thread=696374#cmt696374) on the nightvalecommunitykink meme.
> 
> **Cecil/Computer, Hot Robot Sexin'**  
>  The computer decides to make Cecil love him, to show him how to love based on its knowledge. Go nuts.


End file.
